Monday, December 24, 2007

Merry fucking Christmas

All I meet over the festive period I will be greeting with:

'Hey Halberstram - have a holly jolly Christmas!'

A tribute to my muse.

By the time anybody picks up the quote reference, I will have fed the raging beast that bubbles beneath the surface.

But seriously, a very Merry Christmas to all of you poor benighted bastards.

Sporting Lunch

Went to the new Wembley Stadium earlier in the week for a sporting celebrity lunch.

Food was shit, but I ran into Alan Hansen in the toilet and told him he was a cunt.

Good times.


I have been tagged by Jackart to put up my computer desktop. Some of you may recognise this, if not please see Mushroom MUSHROOM!

Thursday, December 13, 2007

Close to tears

Anybody who knows me is aware I have little or no concern for those who aren't friends and family. To be honest this is commonplace, but most are not comfortable admitting it. It was unusual then for me to be moved almost to tears by an article in this morning's Metro.

The award-winning author Terry Pratchett has been diagnosed with Alzheimers, for which their is no cure. A man who, through sheer wit, talent and hard work makes the lives of hundreds of thousands of people that little bit better. I felt horrible guilt at the relief that washed over me at his promise to carry on writing. He is dying and I'm not thinking of his family, but rather whether or not I will get another fix of Pratchett wizardry.

However, as he himself stated...we are all dying, it is just a matter of when. Please Mr Pratchett, for all of us, don't leave us anytime soon. I would happily sit across the chessboard (being a rather competent player) from HIM, to contest any premature end to your writing.

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

A 'special' kind of genius

I am continually trying to make sense of the ramblings of my younger sibling. We share a flat and work for the same company, so I inevitably end up spending a significant portion of my time with him. This, I thought was fucking priceless (bear in mind we both work in IT)....

Him: "If we pay for 24 meg broadband, why does this say my film is only downloading at 500kbps?"

Me: "Because we share that 24 meg with about 50 other people who are all probably doing the same thing as you right now"

Him: "I've been thinking about this, everybody wants more bandwidth. I've come up with a really simple idea, a cunning plan as it were..."

Me: "Is this going to be fucking stupid?"

Him: "No! (Looking hurt). Computers all still use binary yeah?"

Me: (in suspicious tone) "Yeeeees"

Him: "Well, all you have to do is write an application or something that cuts all the ones and zeros in know, so they take up less space".

Me: (Totally fucking lost for words)..."um what the fuck are you on about you dribbler?"

Him: "No, listen...if they are cut horizontally and you get rid of the bottom half you can still tell from the top half whether it is a one or a zero!"

Now bearing in mind this chap was academically extremely successful and is almost savant at mathematics, statistics etc. You can see how I struggle to fathom his thought processes. What kind of brain comes up with an idea like that and thinks it could work? The mind boggles.

Read his blog and see for yourself.

Monday, December 10, 2007

Wishful thinking

This weekend I stayed up to watch the much hyped Hatton-Mayweather fight. So hyped in fact, that Britain as a whole seemed to believe that Hatton could win, that he was in fact a world-class boxer.

Bearing in mind that I find something likeable about Ricky Hatton (and that I truly, genuinely prayed for the untimely death of Floyd Mayweather on a 100% personal basis), I cannot jump on the 'ref was shit' bandwagon.

Yes, Cortez exhibited poor judgement throughout most of the fight. Yes, everything was dictated in such a way to play to the American's strengths. However, all things being equal...Mayweather is unfortunately one of the finest boxers ever to enter the ring, whereas Hatton is an angry little Manc scrapper with a decent bodyshot.

The fight was decided in the first round, where Mayweather established that Hatton couldn't maul him up close. It was like Tyson-Lewis all over again, a total mismatch that should never have been.

All credit to Hatton, stepping up a weight against such opposition. Make no mistake, Ricky has bollocks of steel. If only he had been classy enough to give that cunt some brain damage.

Monday, November 26, 2007

This saddens me

This article has ruined my day. Chris Morris, the talented comic writer of such genius as Brasseye has penned an attack on Martin Amis of such unbridled PC twattery as to totally destroy any admiration I previously held for him. A couple of points...

Amis is not a racist, if you label him racist you are doing so out of a failure to refute his arguments.

Islam is not a 'race', it is a creed and as such you CAN judge people based upon it. Racism is offensive because it shows a judgement based upon an irrelevant, uncontrollable variable. However, religion provides you with (some) relevant data with which you can BEGIN to form a judgement of somebody. People are individuals and must be taken as separate cases in all instances but to argue that religion is an irrelevant variable is foolish.

I am so unbelievably fucked off with the inability of many to accept that many characteristics of Islam are simply unpalatable to traditional British values. Time for a beer.

Thursday, November 22, 2007

Woeful...absolutely woeful

OK, we could all see this coming. I must admit, as a Welshman it warms the cockles of my heart to see the much vaunted England football team fail miserably. While I have the greatest respect for the English rugby side, their football team is the most overrated bunch of stumblefucks I have ever come across. OK, I can hear the jeers of derision at the Welsh football effort coming from some distance away. The difference however is this: we don't pretend to be any good.

The English media would have us believe that Terry and chums are a major world force (indeed they do this every time a competition comes around), but this has not been the case for some considerable time. Footballers are generally a bunch of pathetic, overpaid, infantile pieces of clitcheese who pretend to cry every time anybody sneezes in their direction...and do you know what really gets me?

...the media always cites that they 'tried hard' (read the end of the linked article), who gives a monkeys bell-end? They fucking lost! They're shit! I suggest they fuck off home, get buttfucked by their botox and cocaine ridden girlfriends and watch some rugby on the TV so they can see what real men do when somebody steps on their toe.

Back at the front line

I'm back in the land of the living today following a hellish few days on the health front. I'm also still somewhat in disbelief at the HMRC fiasco, it seems it isn't a windup and they actually are as incompetent as they seem.

On a lighter note my Nintendo Wii has kept me sane, and I'm quite sure added to my recovery over the last few days. The new Super Mario game is such a wonderfully guilty pleasure, yet another reminder of just how much fun it is to remain in touch with ones inner child.

Best sign off now, my inbox looks like a train has hit it and if I dont make inroads today then I will never catch up.

Monday, November 19, 2007

Ken...why do you hate me so?

To Ken Livingstone...why are you so offended by me and others like me?

I am from a modest background and earn a modest income.

I am an atheist, but not vigorously so.

I vote Conservative (Not BNP).

I try and tolerate the values and beliefs of others as far as they are not harmful.

Yet you have no regard for me or my ilk....why is this? We exist to you only to feed the tax pot from which you reach out to the immigrants, religious and ethnic minorities...and anybody in a Che Guevara T-shirt.

What have we done to you to cause such an irrational love for anybody with coloured skin or communist sympathies. You appear to have no reason for this other than good old leftist spite.

You hate me because I'm white, you hate me because I was born here, you hate me because I dont need your help. But most of all, you hate me because I cannot provide you with a vessel with which to continue your spiteful anti-capitalist agenda.

Do you know what Ken...I hate you too.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Mathematical Genius

This story caught my attention during my daily read of DK.

I fucking pissed myself...Tina are such a dribbling, earlicking, mouthbreather that I humbly suggest you take a bath with your favourite mains-powered appliance and avoid further contamination of the gene pool.

I mean, Christ, its like she's fucking five or something. Then again, it is Manchester.

Little advice Dear...when caught out as being painfully stupid, its best not to advertise it in the newspaper.

Sunday, November 11, 2007

This week I shall be mostly...

...basking in the glory that is the world of Andrzej Sapkowski.

I will be reading about Geralt, playing Geralt on my PC, and generally doing Witcheresque stuff.

If you don't know what I'm talking about then you are missing out.

Enlightenment to be found here.

Trust the book.


I have been very lax in the last week with regards to posting. Busy week in work and blah,blah etc.

Yeah, I have just been a bit useless.

Could really do with sorting my life out to be honest. I will be better from now on...promise.

Saturday, November 03, 2007


I shall be mostly...getting cunted.

That is all.

Jacques Fruits de Bois

This 'Belgian Cider flavoured with fruits of the forest' is supposedly imported into Britain to tantalise the tastebuds of discerning cider drinkers such as myself.

It carries a relatively premium price tag (about 3 quid a bottle from the off licence), and is marketed as something rather special.

Just to warn's fucking Bow and Black. That unmistakeable tang of chemical ridden Strongbow mixed with Asda value blackcurrant squash! I was tempted to pour some Prince Consort Vodka in it and really feel like I was twelve again.

Another triumph by the marketing/advertising cunts over the forces of sense and good taste.

Friday, November 02, 2007

The deepest pit of hell

I was in a meeting yesterday for 6 hours with a whole gaggle of salesmen, it was like purgatory with powerpoint (somebody actually used a fucking laserpointer - I wanted to stuff it into his eyesocket).

As you can imagine, the bullshit was flying thick and fast. One speaker managed to use the word 'encapsulate' at least eight times in a 5 minute presentation, awkward questions were 'parked', and at least 5 'brainstorming' sessions took place. In short, I wished that everybody around me would die painfully and leave me to wallow in shame at the company I was keeping.

Guys, here is a sales tip: try being honest and saying what you actually mean, avoid wrapping it in cheesy analogies, meaningless corporate bollocks and pointless acronyms. We live in an age of increasing cynicism, adapt or wither and die.

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Corporate Wankspeak

I work in IT, more specifically - IP voice and infrastructure, and in no other sector have I come across such unrestrained corporate wankspeak...especially when dealing with manufacturers...sorry chaps ;).

'Lets drive this idea forward'...'Run this up the flagpole and see if it flies'...'Moving forward, we will push back to the business so that we can really take ownership of this issue and add value across the board'.

If you come out with shit like this (and actually think it means something) then you are a dribbling idiot. Have a word with yourself.

If you find yourself thinking that a pink tie actually does look pretty good...beware!

Friday, October 26, 2007

This made me piss myself

My brother (who is employed by the same firm as me), today responded to the company-wide email requesting nominations for employee of the month with:

"I nominate the cleaner, for dealing with the atrocity that I left in the middle cubicle earlier"

You probably had to be there.

Monday, October 22, 2007

10 people that I would like to hit in the mouth with a brick

1. Oilslick Miliband (Dangerous...needs to be permanently and forcibly removed for the safety of the country)

2. Shawn Wright-Phillips (I'm not sure, but the sight of him brings on the urge for violence)

3. Sunny Hundal (Arrogant, leftist, spunkbubble)

4. Jason Robinson (Has no honour...and no talent)

5. Hannah Montana (Shut up...shut the fuck up!)

6. That cunt off the Halifax advert (Howard isn't it?)

7. Kanye West (I cant escape his shit music at any gym, anywhere)

8. Kate Nash (Less musical than flatulence, and probably smells worse)

9. Will Greenwood (Should not be allowed near a fucking mic, dribbling idiot)

10. Christiano Ronaldo (No explanation required)

I am tagging Jackart and MA to draw up their own lists. MA I suppose that yours can be 'people you would like to speak to very sternly'...or something ;)

Sunday, October 21, 2007

So near, yet so far

After catching up on last nights game (I missed it due to dinner with the parents) I have to say that the best team won. Forget any idea of anti-English spite from a Welshman, when it comes down to such a matchup we separate neatly out into Northern v Southern Hemisphere.

I cannot abide the French, yet I positively crowed when they dumped New Zealand out of the tournament. When it comes to rugby, Europe must stick together. England's problem was quite simply, that they played a tight game against one of the most physically impressive races ever to walk the planet. The Afrikaaners in particular appear almost as an embodiment of the way a team should be, strong across all 15 players...unlike England.

From the sheer, joyous strength and savagery of Sheridan to the total professionalism and frightening skill of Wilkinson, England have some truly world class talent. However, they will run with players who would not get a look in to many other top international teams. The embarrassment of England running out tired old dogs like Catt (great in his day, but struggled in this tournament), and mediocre semi-speed merchants like Robinson and Sackey who lack game sense, and in Robinson's case...any top end pace. Until England strip out this kind of dead wood, they will struggle to regain the top spot...which (although is pains me to say it) they quite frankly deserve.

Wednesday, October 17, 2007


Am I the only person who finds the anti-piracy warning at the beginning of DVDs somewhat akin to having my eyeballs sandpapered? Personally, I don't give a shit whether Jerry (How many cars can I roll in one film to the accompanying 'daaaamn' from some token prick like Will Smith?) Fuckheimer makes £100m or £200m this year.

If something is really good...I will buy it/pay for my cinema ticket etc. Its that simple.

If its a bit shit, but I have a hangover, then I will happily buy some knockoff Hollywood rubbish to kill a couple of hours.

What I really have an issue with is that blaring: BAA NA NANANANA etc and the ensuing implication that if you buy anything whatsoever from outside authorised channels then you and your whole family will die of gout...or something. It just completely fucks up my DVD experience, its actually an incentive to buy pirates as they don't have that crap.

There was actually an advert on TV recently claiming that pirate DVD sales help fund drugs and arms trafficking. Um, actually I think you will find that drugs and arms sales more than adequately fund trafficking.

Therefore F.A.C.T actually stands for 'fucking annoying cunty twats'. See how mature I am?

Monday, October 15, 2007

Oh sweet fucking Jesus.....

The lying, cheating imps of our Labour government have really come up trumps this time.

Hat tip to the Morningstar, his latest post on this has similar clarity and you can read it here.

What in unholy, godless, cat-sodomising cunthood were they thinking? The only group of arguably poorer judgement than the the feminists.

Feminism is possibly the most ridiculous idea going, do I twat around telling everybody how proud I am to be male? Why would you ask feminists to deliver a verdict on pornography?
It's like asking fat fuckers to deliver a verdict on salad.

I'm not overly fussed on seeing women fucked by horses etc. But the whole premise of the proposed legislation such a terrifying erosion of personal liberty, I am flat out offended that the fucking pinkos think they can get away with it. The sad thing is that they probably will.

I am so angreeee....those arrogant, lying, envious, spiteful bunch of shitstained, herpies ridden cockswabs have fucked me off mightily.

To whoever thought this up: I hope your family home is raided by swarms of drunken inbred gogs who slowly dispose of your entire existent bloodline by ejaculating filthy, diseased semen into their skull cavities.

Now I need a drink.

Sunday, October 14, 2007

The Great White Hunter S.

I am freqently enraged by the number of people who cite 'Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas' as a point of literary interest because "they take so much drugs and its sooo cool".

Yes, appreciation of literature is subjective and you are entitled to your own opinion. However, if your opinion corresponds with the above, you are, quite frankly, an imbecile.

Yes it is better than the film, but not because the film is poor (indeed it is fantastic). But rather because Thompson managed to construct something totally new, some breathtaking hybrid of epic proportions.

As cliched as it may sound, the 'wave speech' is pure opiate for the soul. Expression verging on poetry which can be seen to sum up the end of an era, this is the passage that was most often quoted by Thompson when asked to read from his book.

A big screen version of his lost novel 'The Rum Diary' is currently being made, with Johnny Depp returning for the role of Kemp/Thompson. While not as intense as 'Fear and Loathing', it is a beautifully painted account of an earlier period in Thompson's life, with the inevitable dash of 'pure gonzo' thrown in.

Read them, watch them, enjoy.

Birthday weekend

This weekend I have mostly been...



Completely cunted

Believe it or not, the intended mezzanine redecoration went completely out the window.

Thursday, October 11, 2007

Todays question

To all vegetarians out there:

If God didnt want us to eat beef, why did he make it taste like steak?

Can't answer that one can you? You cordueroy wearing, limp-handshaking hippies!

A very special day

Today I am 24! oh joy!

I normally take my birthday off work as holiday, however, due to workload I am in the office today.

And guess what: people have been just as miserable, negative and abusive as they are every other day of the year. People are bastard coated bastards with a bastard filling...QED.

My only consolation is that I am going to stuff myself with burritos and margaritas tonight!

Tuesday, October 09, 2007


Anybody who knows me is aware that I shave my own head on a regular basis.

Trust me...when using a cut-throat razor, quell the urge to trim anywhere else.

It came so close to being a national disaster.

Brother mine

Crap spelling, grammar etc...but oddly amusing.

My younger, stranger brother.

Monday, October 08, 2007

The best of intentions

I promised myself that this weekend would be spent sorting out my flat/life. I promise myself this every weekend.

However, the reality is generally:

Friday -

Get home from work about 7pm (exhausted and pissed off with boss).

Eat something quick (and extremely unhealthy).

Nip out to the local for a 'quick pint'.

Saturday -

Realise at 10 am the following morning that I am not only still awake, but completely twatted and surrounded by strangers (also completely twatted).

Decide that I must sleep if I am going to be able to get anything done at all in the next few days, and finally doze off about midday Saturday.

Wake up about 6pm absolutely starving and feeling quite fragile, invariably get unexpected visitor (GF, mum etc.).

Relax and recover for the rest of the evening (get wankered) and crash out about 3am.

Sunday -

Emerge from bed about midday realising that I need a cooked breakfast more than oxygen, and head for my local.

Return to flat (generally via Blockbuster) to struggle for the rest of the day and try and humanise myself in time for an 8am start on Monday morning.

Can anybody tell me where my life is going wrong?

Thursday, October 04, 2007

The enemy of my enemy is my friend

I really don't understand the David Cameron argument. I mean, lets simplify it down.

I agree he is not far enough to the right, and I agree that UKIP would probably be a better bet if they were anything more than a fringe party.

I agree that people who declare UKIP to be a racist party need mental help, and I agree that Cameron resembles an early Blair in many respects.

While an actual veer to the left is generally a bad idea, an apparent movement (a feint as it were) to gain popularity for the purposes of actually winning an election smacks of realism.

Who the fuck are you going to vote for? Anybody with a brain wants Brown and Labour out, and Cameron is the only horse with a shot at achieving this.

Is it worth sacrificing ones ideals to remove Brown (a socialist and therefore dangerous)?

Of course, the enemy of my enemy is my friend.

Wednesday, October 03, 2007

The Emperor's new wine

I am very, very fond of wine. As an accompaniment to food, or indeed just providing that first oh so wonderful hit of alcohol after a really long day. I can blind test to a considerable degree of accuracy and can match wine to food with some skill (experience to be honest), so I would like to believe that I am not a total cretin in these matters.

So if one more quantity surveyor in a cheap fucking suit goes on about how simply wonderful Cloudy Bay is I will use my cock to give him a brain examination.

Yes, I like it.

Yes, it is quite good.

But it is also a triumph of marketing over taste. Take a reasonable wine, restrict supply and raise prices in order to increase both demand and margins.

I will let you all into a little secret: wine is totally subjective.

It matters not what the magazines, critics, or maitre de in your local fucking bistro simply matters what YOU like.

If you like Liebfraumilch then drink it. Don't try and pour me any mind you....

The worst day

I have had the worst day at work (indeed the worst week so far), as Dr Kelso says:

"People are bastard coated bastards with bastard filling"

And never before have I believed this so fervently.

Tuesday, October 02, 2007

No law, no law at all...

After three, full-length, impeccably made series it brings me genuine sadness that Deadwood is likely finished for good.

While Mr McShane shone like polaris as 'Al', it was the entirety of the cast that made this so utterly engrossing. The inclusion of Brian Cox in the third series was a masterstroke, an acknowledgement of the fact that it is invariably a British (or sometimes Australian) supporting cast that makes an American screenplay great. I only wish that they had found some way to fit in David Thewlis or Geoffrey Rush.

There are strong rumors of a conclusion coming as a set of 'made for TV' films, however HBO have not confirmed this as yet. We can but hope.

The intro alone, with the on the button imagery (I shy away from 'gritty') and compelling music ('Rome' anybody?) was always enough to hold my attention.

HBO felt in the end that the series was too expensive. However, as with everything in get what you pay for.

Death Proof

Tarantino's latest effort is (let's not beat about the bush) by far and away the most tedious piece of gratuitous crap he has ever released.

I liked Pulp Fiction and Reservoir Dogs as far as they went, but lets be honest, pretty much everything since has been self indulgent, semi-cretinous monkey jizz. Held up against the likes of 'Sin City' or 'A Scanner Darkly' it hardly even classifies as different.

My brother (a film addict) got up and went to bed halfway through (at 9pm) announcing "This bollocks has sapped my will to live". A searing indictment from the man who actually sat through 'Ghost Rider' in its entirety.

I actually bought an imported version of this film prior to its UK release, I feel robbed.

My advice for your sofa night this week: rent 'Sunshine'. Despite the cover synopsis this film is far more 'Event Horizon' than 'Armageddon', but with a big dash of soul thrown in.

I was pleasantly surprised. I think you will be too.

Monday, October 01, 2007

Luton - God's own toilet

If you live in Luton....sorry. Not sorry - I apologise, rather sorry - I feel sorry for the fact that any Briton should have to live in such a festering shithole.

Today I had to visit Luton town centre, I sincerely hope that I shall never be required to do so again.

The whole place smells, frankly, like stale piss and shit. Nobody speaks English in any kind of reasonable form, even the natives.

Criminals and lunatics wander the streets, gibbering at passers by.

I went to Maplins for a couple of basic electrical bits. I left emptyhanded as nobody working there seemed to know:

a) anything about the products on sale


b) the meaning of the words 'cable' or 'plug'

After a hasty retreat to my Hertfordshire fastness I felt compelled to tell you all that; this pestilent pit was infested with the most foul of subhuman filth and should never be braved by anyone of a civilised nature.

Plus...I was damn lucky I'm a really big bastard, as a man in a decent suit attracts the wrong sort of attention in those parts I can tell you.

Sunday, September 30, 2007

I'm really rather smitten by....


MA, I'm tired and hungry and overworked....sing to me, and I will love you always.

Great voice, and so much soul. Everybody have a listen.

Friday, September 28, 2007

A cunning stunt

This morning, following my experience earlier this week, I formulated and executed a cunning plan:

I went to my favourite morning sandwich shop, and there made a crucial purchase.

I then continued on to the baffling, frog-addled, designer pie shop that so confounded me previously.

Feeling slightly smug I approached yon frog.."One BACON roll please kind lady!"

She looked at me quite frankly, as if I was a twat, but handed over the food.

Beaming with glee, I whipped out the two hot sausages I had purchased only moments before and stuffed them into the roll.

I proceeded to cram as much food into my mouth as possible while shouting/mumbling "This is our Waterloo!"

I then had to run as I am pretty sure she was calling the police. But that, ladies and gents, is how one deals with the French.

Thursday, September 27, 2007

Guilty Pleasure

Over the past few weeks watching House on DVD has very much improved my life. Far less impressive and intense than Deadwood (if you haven't seen this then you fucking well should), it still manages to thoroughly entertain.

Hugh Laurie is fantastic in the title role and I find it surprising that more Brits have not discovered this.

Guilty pleasures like this make those late Monday nights just about bearable.

Breakfast debacle

This morning was not a good one, I missed my direct train meaning not only did I run late but that I had to brave King's Cross and Satan's Tubes.

By the time I got to the City my level of hunger was pushing me ever closer to violence, unable to make it a far as my normal sandwich shop I foolishly stopped at what appeared to be some sort of designer pie shop. Alarm bells should have been ringing.

A glance told me that a small meat pie and mash was about 7 quid...fuck that, but hang on, I spy sausages and bacon. I approached the rather attractive young lady behind the counter.

..rather attractive, but as I was about to find out, woefully inept...and French.

I cannot abide the French at the best of times, this was clearly going to be a trial.

Me: "Could I have a sausage and bacon roll please?"

Frog: "That eez seven pounds."

Me: "Pardon? are you serious?"

Frog: "Yes zey are three pounds fifty each."

Me: (Confused) "But I just want the one."

Frog: "Bacon or sausage?"

Me: (Very Confused) "ummm...both?"

Frog: (sounding annoyed) "Then zat is seven pounds, rolls are three fifty each!"

Me: (almost sobbing) "But I only want one roll, with bacon and sausage and preferably some ketchup."

Frog: "Bacon and Sausage in one roll?"

Me: "Yes"

Frog: "Together?" (looking puzzled)

Me: "YES!"

At this point I am genuinely close to tears, I am so hungry and frustrated.

Frog: (Baffled expression) "I do not have a price for that."

Me: "Sweet Christ! how about you charge me an extra pound and you put a sausage in my bacon roll?"

Frog: "I cannot do zat, zere is no button on the till."

Me: "This is why you always lose wars!"

At this point I left and crawled the extra distance to where a couple of friendly Turkish chaps made me a breakfast roll that would have fed an army.

Earliest political memory

This has got to be my gran (a bit loony even then) telling me how Maggie was the best person to ever lead the country, because she made sure that we couldn't be persecuted by jealous poor people, and she might be able to stop the whole of Britain becoming like Bradford.

Crazy as my grandmother cannot 100% disagree.

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

TV licensing idiocy

I received a letter yesterday from my friends at TV licensing. In large, angry, red lettering it informed me that my details had been passed to their enforcement officers.

This confused me a great deal.

Being as enamoured of home cinema as I am, I bought a TV license some months ago when I moved in (and have payed for it according to my bank statement). So I called TV licensing to inform them of this.

I was informed by the exceedingly sullen young lady (I shall call her Meeta for the purposes of the story) on the end of the phone that I did not in fact have a TV Licence, I then asked what in buggery I was paying £135.50 a year for.

A fair question one might think. The conversation continued something like....

Meeta: "Our system says that you are unlicensed so regardless what you think you have paid you are liable for a fine".

Me: "I don't 'think' I have paid anything, the money has left my account and entered yours. I believe that is a good definition of payment."

Meeta: " That is impossible, the computer is saying that you are unlicensed."

Me: "Then the computer is wrong sweetheart".

Meeta: "Computers don't make mistakes".

Me: "I think you will find that they do when operated by barely literate, semi-cretinous, pathetic excuses for people such as yourself."


Meeta: " I'm putting you through to my supervisor.

Me: " Does his undoubtedly rudimentary command of English outstrip yours by a considerable margin?"


2 minutes of conversation follows with 'James' who can not only speak clear English but is able to type and breathe at the same time.

Outcome...they had made a mistake, they were very sorry. They were unfortunately not able to comment on my objections to the BBC's blatantly dangerous and offensive leftist agenda.

Why such conversations are necessary escapes me.

Dr Jones...look...funny, funny!

This man is pure comedic genius.

His blog makes me positively weep with laughter.

You too should read it.

I wish he would teach me how to use commas more effectively.

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Do you mind if I sit here?

While enduring todays early morning commute I had some rather amusing reading material that I picked up from the First Capital Connect propaganda stand:

Headlined by a promise to increase peoples chances of getting a seat at peak times (are you laughing yet?), it told of a fabled 'study conducted by specialist external consultants with input from us and jointly funded by the DfT'.

Translating the wankspeak leads us to the message that; using taxpayers money they have paid a bunch of disinterested cretins to 'brainstorm' how they could make it easier to get a seat.

There follows a long and involved explanation of 'huge positive impacts' which essentially boil down to running a couple more trains at peak times. Is it me or is this completely taking the piss?

A tax funded study involving undoubtedly extortionate external consultants (began in 2005), submits the idea of running more trains with more carriages (pure genius) in December 2006 (a year damn well spent I'd imagine).

And what is more, the DfT has only approved the findings 'in principle' meaning that we will not see any improvement until December 2008 (Providing it doesn't run late...which as its a train co...oh bugger).

Read for yourself here if you can be bothered.

Friday, September 21, 2007

Foolish, foolish man

Alisher Usmanov you are a total cretin.

Most people couldn't have given a flying fuck about your allegedly criminal past...until you cried 'libel'.

Now look at the fuss, you just couldnt keep your mouth shut could you.

Everybody, and I mean everybody, has posted on this...try Chicken Yoghurt.

Spycatcher anyone? Everybody knows that banning something makes it plain irresistible.

Fluffy Bunny Land

Whilst perusing The Kitchen I came across this.

Ok...banning plasma TVs? I would be bilious if I believed it would ever happen.

But the 'Happy Planet Index'? I have actually just pissed my pants in mirth, I'm sure that there was an episode of the Carebears based on this idea.

Personally, I'd say that my happiness is governed by a variety of factors: The safety and health of my loved ones, having enough money to keep me swilling Sancerre, and how often I have attractive young ladies performing fellatio upon my good self.

How in sweet heron-buggering fuck a bunch of bespectacled, malnourished, badly washed lefties like 'Friends of the Earth' is going to 'index' this escapes me.

God I fucking hate vegetarians (apology to girlfriend), anybody who doesnt eat meat clearly cannot be trusted and should be neutered.

Monday, September 17, 2007

The Big Apple

Having recently come back from a highly enjoyable fortnight in New York, I have come to the following conclusions regarding tightlipped, stoic, British misery.

Public fucking transport..........

NY - large, punctual, airconditioned buses and trains.

London - ancient, sweatbox tube carriages and nonexistent buses.

Plus....Liverpool Street to my home = £23.50 daily round trip......same distance trip in NY....£2.

Ken....I fucking hate you with a passion you can only imagine.

Wednesday, May 30, 2007

The Rule of Law

I am not legally qualified, but I do understand that our law derives from the Separation of Powers and I understand what this entails and why it is in place. To my understanding this is a rule which applies to every single inhabitant of this country.

This may well change however. It would appear that sections of the populace wish to impose a different legal system on their communities based upon their religion.

Founded upon this, myself and a few of my friends have started the ' I like to do crack and fuck whores' religion. We consider it to be considerably less extreme than many other religions as all it requires is special dispensation from the government for us to take class A drugs and have sex with prostitutes all day. Of course it will be illegal for anybody to judge our behaviour or discriminate against our religious beliefs.

But seriously, does this not smack of bending over for the PC brigade? Polygamy is illegal (unfortunately) and Sharia law is a throwback several thousand years that demeans all living on earth today. Are we a civilised species? clearly not.

We cannot, and will not change our laws to accomodate the frothing lunacy of a religion that preaches hate, oppression, and death. In fact we cannot change our laws to accomodate any religion. I respect anybodys fundamental right to believe whatever they wish, but nobody has the right to force these beliefs on others.

I will echo Mr Enoch Powell: At the first hint of British law changing to accomodate Islam, I predict that this country will take up arms. And whatever can be said about Britain.......we do not lose a fight. I do not advocate this, it is merely a prediction based on the evident, bubbling undercurrent of conflict between Islam and humanity.

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

Mass Murder

If you are communist, socialist or even vote labour then you should watch and read here.

You are in a small way personally responsible for millions of deaths, you are in a small way a murderer. The sick, cancerous, spiteful, jealous, misdirected, poorly educated and plain evil school of thought that you help perpetuate has killed more people than anything....ever.

Are you fucking ashamed? You damn well should be, you should be looking at the shelves of skulls from the communist killing fields and vomiting with sheer remorse.

You think its funny to scowl anytime Thatcher is mentioned, and its easy to take a crack at Bush (We all know he's a moron). But I give you Stalin, Mao, Pol Pot, Castro.....the list goes on.

So Thatcher crushed the Unions (Hiss!)? Good!! They would have buried Britain in a sea of self indulgent Marxist whinging. Study fucking economics you cunt and get it into your head that the 'Iron Bitch' saved this country. I'm from coal mine country as is my entire family for generations back (Lots of them were mining families) and guess what...those of them that were properly educated in unbiased economics agree with what was done.

For the sake of all of our children and generations to come across the world....I beg you.....renounce your filthy creed and do your part to help prevent the communist/socialist disaster happening again.

If you want something to believe in....something to cling to....make it a free market economy. It's tried, tested and proven not to starve people in their millions.

The Great Divide

A point of interest for me is the growing conflict between Islam and the West. It seems to me we are moving slowly towards a state where conflict will be inevitable. An interesting blog post on the subject of such relations and the recent Pew surveys is here.

Please note the figures quoted from the impartial Pew surveys with regards to the UK. They are by far the most worrying (especially for those of us who live here).

" 35% of Spanish Muslims think Arabs weren't responsible for the 9/11 attacks, compared with about 45% of German and French Muslims and 56% of British Muslims."

Also from relatively non-political media publications:

"The United Kingdom stands out as a paradoxical country. Non-Muslims there have strikingly more favorable views of Islam and Muslims than elsewhere in the West; for example, only 32 percent of the British sample view Muslims as violent, significantly less their counterparts in France (41 percent), Germany (52 percent) or Spain (60 percent). In the Muhammad cartoon dispute, Britons showed more sympathy for the Muslim outlook than did other Europeans. More broadly, Britons blame Muslims less for the poor state of Western-Muslim relations."

"British Muslims return the favor with the most malign anti-Western attitudes found in Europe. Many more of them regard Westerners as violent, greedy, immoral, and arrogant than do their counterparts in France, Germany, and Spain. In addition, whether asked about their attitudes toward Jews, responsibility for 9/11, or the place of women in Western societies, their views are notably more extreme.The situation in Britain reflects the “Londonistan” phenomenon, whereby Britons preemptively cringe and Muslims respond to this weakness with aggression."

Ok I have to make a point here, this does not necessarily show what people think but rather how they answered the survey. I do not believe that these figures reflect the views of British non-muslims, rather the British population is flat out terrified of the societal repercussions of expressing anti-muslim feeling. We are scared of being ostracised for what could be labelled as racist comments.

Well here is some news; it is illogical and incorrect to dislike a social group based purely on nationality or skin colour. But it is clearly right to express disapproval for such a group based on their morals, values and behaviour when we consider those factors to be unacceptable in a right thinking, democratic society.

Lets be honest, those muslims who have become westernised to a certain extent, and adhere to the gentle aspects of the faith in terms of brotherhood, consideration for fellow man etc. tend to be at least as much of an asset to society as the rest of us (I work with a few and they are all thoroughly nice chaps who generally have a sense of humour where Islam is concerned).

However, strict adherence for many means attitudes towards females, other religions and Jews that most of us Brits regard as unacceptable. And make no mistake we should make our voices heard. When those (now famous cartoons) were published there was uproar from the Islamic community due to the supposed disrespect to a figure who (please no Fatwah) may or may not be fictional. Yet greater discrespect to living breathing beings is a daily part of their very creed.

The Pew figures on Britain are scary, the proportion of British muslims who approve of terrorist bombings to 'defend Islam' is bowel movingly terrifying. These people have British passports!

I believe that there is a large proportion of the British muslim community who are moral, reasonable human beings, and that it is largely the 'angry youth' element who make up a lot of the statistic (as is often the case with dangerous extremist views). So to all of you with your brain engaged my message is this;

We all want to avoid conflict of any kind in Britain, so for fucks sake get your house in order. You have intentionally isolated yourself as a community on the basis of your creed, so now it is your responsibility to isolate and re-educate those extremist individuals.

Friday, May 18, 2007

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Labour is the stale semen in the used condom that is Great Britain

This made me smile (and cry a little at the same time because the truth sometimes hurts)......

Tuesday, May 15, 2007


Lets start from the beginning......why are the police referred to as 'pigs'?

To be honest it's because most normal people hold them in fairly low regard, it is not a term of endearment. One has to question why anybody would choose to join a profession which is largely despised by those with an IQ greater than six.

I recently enquired with an ex colleague/acquaintance of mine who was applying why she was willing to sacrifice the respect of her friends and family for a job that is fairly poorly paid and I would imagine moderately unpleasant. She began to elaborate on how she had always wanted to be a traffic policewoman and thought it was really 'cool' that she could stop people and ask them to produce etc. Needless to say I have never and will never speak to her again. I refrained from violence merely out of 'respect' for her gender. This is a perfect example of the kind of people who are attracted to a job where the sole focus for a large proportion appears to be inflicting small miseries on honest men and women.

The concept of a 'police pub' is an interesting one; essentially once a pub accumulates any significant number of off duty pigs as customers normal people (no matter how much they profess to respect the police) will cease to drink there. The reason being that nobody in their right mind can relax in those surroundings. Pigs are never 100% off duty and are police first and people second.

For my entire life I have been law abiding and paid my taxes, I am now getting to the stage where my monthly tax bill will pay a police officers wages. You would think that having no criminal record and a clean license would mean one would be treated with some respect.

I would like to make this clear.....when you join the police you forfeit your humanity, you become the lowest form of filth and deserve to be treated as such.

Monday, May 14, 2007

Is it me or is this rarely pointed out?

When was the last time you heard anybody with any real personal wealth advocate the redistribution of said wealth to those with less?

Now does this or does this not clearly indicate a spiteful, malicious, green-eyed desire of those who advocate such politics to take from people who possess more than they do? It is one-upmanship....pure and simple. I know this sounds bleedingly obvious but many do not see that this is what sits behind the left-wing moral indignation.

The next time somebody preaches leftist bile to you do the only right and honourable thing.....jam your cock into their ear and fuck some sense into them. (If you are female you can use a screwdriver for this).

One place this has been covered with slightly more eloquence and attention to detail is here.

Another stroke of genius from the Leftists

Ok, we know that Polly Toynbee is either full of spite, class envy, and self righteousness or very seriously misguided but what in sweet, pinko, unholy fuck is this?

On Monday the Citizens' Organising Foundation's campaign, Strangers into Citizens, is holding a mass rally in Trafalgar Square, with bishops, imams and trade unions calling for an "earned amnesty". They call for all who have been living here for at least four years to be given work permits. After two years, if they have a job, no criminal record and learn English, they would earn citizenship. This process could begin when the new ID card starts next year.
It would rescue lost souls from the shadow world of fear, abuse and exploitation. Combined with a tough new work inspectorate, it would stop sweatshop labour. Those who fear an upsurge of new illegals hoping for a future amnesty should remember that the real draw to Britain is not a citizenship promise but the ease of finding illegal work. The only way to shut down the black economy is to regularise the workforce and heavily penalise illegal employers. If work is hard to get, fewer people will come.

Um not really Polly, I think you will find that one of the large attractions is the fact that it is becoming increasingly difficult to prosecute or deport migrants of non caucasian origin due to more and more playing the 'racism card' (and people are cottoning on to this, as the yardies say about the UK "the judge don't hang"). Also (and more significantly) we have such a disgustingly cumbersome, indulgent welfare state that citizenship practically guarantees a life with plentiful unearned income if an individual knows how to get round the system (let me assure you it's not rocket science).

Let me clarify, this amnesty you propose will simply open the doors for thousands of immigrants to try and outlast the supposed statute of limitations in order to gain citizenship. I do not believe this will shrink black market labour as benefit fraud will simply increase exponentially. What you propose could lead to everybody paying more and more tax to support the influx of migrants who are continually qualifying for citizenship (but you people love tax hikes don't you). And lets be honest once we grant them citizenship they are here to stay.

Our welfare state is a national embarassment, benefit fraud now means that more people than ever live on the taxes of those who have strived from a young age to succeed academically or vocationally in order to get a highly paid job. What you propose will simply increase the burden.

You offend me, your views offend me and your party offends me. I hope you have an extremely unfortunate accident involving a rusty piece of iron piping and your anal passage you shrivelled up, piss-scented old bitch.

This could be the end of the World.....of Warcraft

Yes! Inspired by watching this I have purchased both Myself and Jackart copies of the MMORPG World of Warcraft. Very soon we are sure to have.........absolutely no life.

I forecast excessive weight gain and bad skin, possibly coupled with use of the gayest internet vocabulary I can find. Watch this space to find out how two relatively normal people assimilate into the world of the RSI riddled serial masturbators of the cyber-geek community.

To my girlfriend, if you are reading this......yes my sexual performance is likely to suffer!

Friday, May 11, 2007

Taking Liberties

While I agree that films like this are both entertaining and necessary I find the reaction of most right-minded people slightly sickening.

No doubt when this picture comes out it will show us (for those of us who didnt already appreciate what pathetic little cuntfarts our Labour government is made up of) just how much we have been buttfucked in the last decade. Provided the material is reasonably factual this should provoke a national outcry (because it's horrific, true and close to home).

But what will we do? Shake our heads, write the odd blog post, and hopefully most of us will vote the right way.

But get this... there are people out there (intelligent people who can read and write) who will take on board the shafting that we have taken in the last ten years and.........I almost can't say it.......STILL VOTE LABOUR!

They will hide behind the impenetrable armour of the mindless lefty.....the belief that any unpleasant yet factual information is a right-wing plot to bring down the glorious peoples campaign to redistribute wealth, raise taxes...etc,etc, very tiresome and so utterly devoid of any kind of knowledge of irrelevant little subjects like economics for example.

Does anybody else agree with me that the heartfelt utterance of the statement 'Ibelieve in the redistribution of wealth' automatically forfeits the cunt's right to life?

Friday, April 27, 2007

A Great Man

As per the graphic at the bottom of my blog, I feel a need to remember a man who through a humourous medium made some highly salient points.

Bill Hicks (click link for his rant on the positive influence of drugs) died on February 26th 1994 from pancreatic cancer at the age of 32.

It was a sad loss to the world.

He can be seen in any number of audio and video recordings. Of which (in my opinion) the best are: 'Arizona Bay' and 'Rant in E Minor'. These make me laugh even first thing on a monday morning.

While Bill was (contrary to popular belief) politically oriented more towards the right than the left, he was not afraid to openly criticise the humourously woeful parts of republican right wing. Many thinkers who are centre or right seem to shy away from this (for example the esteemed Mr Jackart....I have this argument with him in the pub all too regularly) possibly in fear of attracting the leperesque 'leftist' label. Though of course, leperosy is vastly preferable to such political cancer.

Bill......the world misses you.

Utter, utter bastards!

I just read THIS and I cannot contain the rage.

You whinging stalinist cuntstains, how dare you interfere with other peoples lives in such a fashion?! I took a shit this morning that made more sense than this.

I am so angry at the sheer unbridled fuckwittery of these people that I feel close to tears. Will somebody please tell me that these spiteful, leftist, little dogs tonkers will never gain any real influence or power.

And as for the dear you may have a twat like a wizards sleeve but don't inflict your kipper-scented celibate misery on the rest of us.

Thursday, April 26, 2007

The Beautiful Game

No I am not in any way referring to football. While I dearly love football, it pains me to see it played by the most worthless, subhuman rats one can imagine (watch rugby if you want to see real men play a real sport).

I am of course referring to chess......yes that's correct....chess. For those who have never met me; I do not have a beard or an aversion to physical exercise. I am fortunate enough to be a formidable physical specimen and yet able to engage my brain where necessary.

After taking up chess at the age of 7 I have been surprised again and again by the sheer addictive qualities of the game. (For those who have never indulged) chess is the ultimate in one on one competitive gaming, for a beaten opponent is a wonderful thing.

I always find that playing chess brings out the testosterone fuelled alpha male in me even more than putting the gloves on and boxing....its pure ego. Beating somebody across the chess board is forcibly telling them....I'm better than you. Nothing rivals chess for its ability to produce a perfectly rounded masterpiece of strategy, tactics, and pure intuitive instinct.

For those of you who have never analysed this...please indulge yourselves in the 'immortal game'.

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

A Very Chinless Wonder

Imagine a man who compulsively covers things in sticky backed plastic, who has his own tankard in his local before the age of 30, who habitually goes running (in public) in a lime green leotard.

Imagine a cyclist who terrorises helpless motorists, a man who thinks boiled vegetables should be a daily occurence, and who is unable to sit through any film without naming and waxing lyrical on every piece of military apparatus.

Now imagine sharing a flat with the fucker!

The Almighty Terence

Britain has long believed that it would never see a greater man than Churchill. For years this has held true.....until now. Councillor Terry Kelly is a gentleman and a scholar, an individual of such towering intellect that he has an entirely independent website devoted to his works.

I will admit to political views that are slightly right of centre, and also taking a dim view of the spiteful disease that is socialism. However, to all those who have ever voted or even considered voting to the left; I give you....Terence.

Read it and weep....this man alone justifies a Conservative vote.

Whats in a name?

I have recently been questioned with regards to both parts of my blog title:

Why have I taken part of a line from Coleridge?

Why do I have what appears to be a racist slogan underneath?

Firstly, I love Coleridge but thats not why I chose it. Read 'A miracle of rare device' by Ray Bradbury and try to understand why this beautiful story finally instilled in me an unbreakable faith in the beauty of written english.

Secondly,.........pull your head out of your arse and accept that it is possible to words use like "white" and "black" without any reference to skin colour. 'Holding the thin white line....' is a sporting reference with relevance to only a select few.

Monday, March 12, 2007

'Little People'......

For some time I have racked my brains as to what is the ultimate sign of success, status and dare I say it.....greatness. I have finally come to the conclusion that what I require is my very own 'little person'.

To be honest I would prefer a dwarf to what is usually (although incorrectly) termed a midget. This is simply because I find the large head/small body comparison extremely humorous.

When we look back through history we can see that many great men had 'little people' to assist them in their day to day business. Marcus Antonius for one....this is apparently true (I checked).
This was recently reinforced when we spied the UK head of a major global technology company conversing with his very own 'little person'.

The possibilities for those with such an asset are endless....they can run errands, carry surprisingly heavy shopping and can be trained to race other 'little people' for the purposes of betting and general entertainment.

I am about to sign a new contract with my employer but negotiations are starting to break down as my request for an office midget/dwarf is currently falling on deaf ears. They obviously cannot see the possibilities and the positive image it would create with clients.

Imagine......if we were to build a mini assult course for him in stores and then hold time trials every morning versus the office fat little man run!!

that would be such deep, deep joy!