Sunday, September 30, 2007

I'm really rather smitten by....


MA, I'm tired and hungry and overworked....sing to me, and I will love you always.

Great voice, and so much soul. Everybody have a listen.

Friday, September 28, 2007

A cunning stunt

This morning, following my experience earlier this week, I formulated and executed a cunning plan:

I went to my favourite morning sandwich shop, and there made a crucial purchase.

I then continued on to the baffling, frog-addled, designer pie shop that so confounded me previously.

Feeling slightly smug I approached yon frog.."One BACON roll please kind lady!"

She looked at me quite frankly, as if I was a twat, but handed over the food.

Beaming with glee, I whipped out the two hot sausages I had purchased only moments before and stuffed them into the roll.

I proceeded to cram as much food into my mouth as possible while shouting/mumbling "This is our Waterloo!"

I then had to run as I am pretty sure she was calling the police. But that, ladies and gents, is how one deals with the French.

Thursday, September 27, 2007

Guilty Pleasure

Over the past few weeks watching House on DVD has very much improved my life. Far less impressive and intense than Deadwood (if you haven't seen this then you fucking well should), it still manages to thoroughly entertain.

Hugh Laurie is fantastic in the title role and I find it surprising that more Brits have not discovered this.

Guilty pleasures like this make those late Monday nights just about bearable.

Breakfast debacle

This morning was not a good one, I missed my direct train meaning not only did I run late but that I had to brave King's Cross and Satan's Tubes.

By the time I got to the City my level of hunger was pushing me ever closer to violence, unable to make it a far as my normal sandwich shop I foolishly stopped at what appeared to be some sort of designer pie shop. Alarm bells should have been ringing.

A glance told me that a small meat pie and mash was about 7 quid...fuck that, but hang on, I spy sausages and bacon. I approached the rather attractive young lady behind the counter.

..rather attractive, but as I was about to find out, woefully inept...and French.

I cannot abide the French at the best of times, this was clearly going to be a trial.

Me: "Could I have a sausage and bacon roll please?"

Frog: "That eez seven pounds."

Me: "Pardon? are you serious?"

Frog: "Yes zey are three pounds fifty each."

Me: (Confused) "But I just want the one."

Frog: "Bacon or sausage?"

Me: (Very Confused) "ummm...both?"

Frog: (sounding annoyed) "Then zat is seven pounds, rolls are three fifty each!"

Me: (almost sobbing) "But I only want one roll, with bacon and sausage and preferably some ketchup."

Frog: "Bacon and Sausage in one roll?"

Me: "Yes"

Frog: "Together?" (looking puzzled)

Me: "YES!"

At this point I am genuinely close to tears, I am so hungry and frustrated.

Frog: (Baffled expression) "I do not have a price for that."

Me: "Sweet Christ! how about you charge me an extra pound and you put a sausage in my bacon roll?"

Frog: "I cannot do zat, zere is no button on the till."

Me: "This is why you always lose wars!"

At this point I left and crawled the extra distance to where a couple of friendly Turkish chaps made me a breakfast roll that would have fed an army.

Earliest political memory

This has got to be my gran (a bit loony even then) telling me how Maggie was the best person to ever lead the country, because she made sure that we couldn't be persecuted by jealous poor people, and she might be able to stop the whole of Britain becoming like Bradford.

Crazy as my grandmother cannot 100% disagree.

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

TV licensing idiocy

I received a letter yesterday from my friends at TV licensing. In large, angry, red lettering it informed me that my details had been passed to their enforcement officers.

This confused me a great deal.

Being as enamoured of home cinema as I am, I bought a TV license some months ago when I moved in (and have payed for it according to my bank statement). So I called TV licensing to inform them of this.

I was informed by the exceedingly sullen young lady (I shall call her Meeta for the purposes of the story) on the end of the phone that I did not in fact have a TV Licence, I then asked what in buggery I was paying £135.50 a year for.

A fair question one might think. The conversation continued something like....

Meeta: "Our system says that you are unlicensed so regardless what you think you have paid you are liable for a fine".

Me: "I don't 'think' I have paid anything, the money has left my account and entered yours. I believe that is a good definition of payment."

Meeta: " That is impossible, the computer is saying that you are unlicensed."

Me: "Then the computer is wrong sweetheart".

Meeta: "Computers don't make mistakes".

Me: "I think you will find that they do when operated by barely literate, semi-cretinous, pathetic excuses for people such as yourself."


Meeta: " I'm putting you through to my supervisor.

Me: " Does his undoubtedly rudimentary command of English outstrip yours by a considerable margin?"


2 minutes of conversation follows with 'James' who can not only speak clear English but is able to type and breathe at the same time.

Outcome...they had made a mistake, they were very sorry. They were unfortunately not able to comment on my objections to the BBC's blatantly dangerous and offensive leftist agenda.

Why such conversations are necessary escapes me.

Dr Jones...look...funny, funny!

This man is pure comedic genius.

His blog makes me positively weep with laughter.

You too should read it.

I wish he would teach me how to use commas more effectively.

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Do you mind if I sit here?

While enduring todays early morning commute I had some rather amusing reading material that I picked up from the First Capital Connect propaganda stand:

Headlined by a promise to increase peoples chances of getting a seat at peak times (are you laughing yet?), it told of a fabled 'study conducted by specialist external consultants with input from us and jointly funded by the DfT'.

Translating the wankspeak leads us to the message that; using taxpayers money they have paid a bunch of disinterested cretins to 'brainstorm' how they could make it easier to get a seat.

There follows a long and involved explanation of 'huge positive impacts' which essentially boil down to running a couple more trains at peak times. Is it me or is this completely taking the piss?

A tax funded study involving undoubtedly extortionate external consultants (began in 2005), submits the idea of running more trains with more carriages (pure genius) in December 2006 (a year damn well spent I'd imagine).

And what is more, the DfT has only approved the findings 'in principle' meaning that we will not see any improvement until December 2008 (Providing it doesn't run late...which as its a train co...oh bugger).

Read for yourself here if you can be bothered.

Friday, September 21, 2007

Foolish, foolish man

Alisher Usmanov you are a total cretin.

Most people couldn't have given a flying fuck about your allegedly criminal past...until you cried 'libel'.

Now look at the fuss, you just couldnt keep your mouth shut could you.

Everybody, and I mean everybody, has posted on this...try Chicken Yoghurt.

Spycatcher anyone? Everybody knows that banning something makes it plain irresistible.

Fluffy Bunny Land

Whilst perusing The Kitchen I came across this.

Ok...banning plasma TVs? I would be bilious if I believed it would ever happen.

But the 'Happy Planet Index'? I have actually just pissed my pants in mirth, I'm sure that there was an episode of the Carebears based on this idea.

Personally, I'd say that my happiness is governed by a variety of factors: The safety and health of my loved ones, having enough money to keep me swilling Sancerre, and how often I have attractive young ladies performing fellatio upon my good self.

How in sweet heron-buggering fuck a bunch of bespectacled, malnourished, badly washed lefties like 'Friends of the Earth' is going to 'index' this escapes me.

God I fucking hate vegetarians (apology to girlfriend), anybody who doesnt eat meat clearly cannot be trusted and should be neutered.

Monday, September 17, 2007

The Big Apple

Having recently come back from a highly enjoyable fortnight in New York, I have come to the following conclusions regarding tightlipped, stoic, British misery.

Public fucking transport..........

NY - large, punctual, airconditioned buses and trains.

London - ancient, sweatbox tube carriages and nonexistent buses.

Plus....Liverpool Street to my home = £23.50 daily round trip......same distance trip in NY....£2.

Ken....I fucking hate you with a passion you can only imagine.