Corporate Wankspeak

I work in IT, more specifically - IP voice and infrastructure, and in no other sector have I come across such unrestrained corporate wankspeak...especially when dealing with manufacturers...sorry chaps ;).

'Lets drive this idea forward'...'Run this up the flagpole and see if it flies'...'Moving forward, we will push back to the business so that we can really take ownership of this issue and add value across the board'.

If you come out with shit like this (and actually think it means something) then you are a dribbling idiot. Have a word with yourself.

If you find yourself thinking that a pink tie actually does look pretty good...beware!

This made me piss myself

My brother (who is employed by the same firm as me), today responded to the company-wide email requesting nominations for employee of the month with:

"I nominate the cleaner, for dealing with the atrocity that I left in the middle cubicle earlier"

You probably had to be there.

10 people that I would like to hit in the mouth with a brick

1. Oilslick Miliband (Dangerous...needs to be permanently and forcibly removed for the safety of the country)

2. Shawn Wright-Phillips (I'm not sure, but the sight of him brings on the urge for violence)

3. Sunny Hundal (Arrogant, leftist, spunkbubble)

4. Jason Robinson (Has no honour...and no talent)

5. Hannah Montana (Shut up...shut the fuck up!)

6. That cunt off the Halifax advert (Howard isn't it?)

7. Kanye West (I cant escape his shit music at any gym, anywhere)

8. Kate Nash (Less musical than flatulence, and probably smells worse)

9. Will Greenwood (Should not be allowed near a fucking mic, dribbling idiot)

10. Christiano Ronaldo (No explanation required)


I am tagging Jackart and MA to draw up their own lists. MA I suppose that yours can be 'people you would like to speak to very sternly'...or something ;)

So near, yet so far

After catching up on last nights game (I missed it due to dinner with the parents) I have to say that the best team won. Forget any idea of anti-English spite from a Welshman, when it comes down to such a matchup we separate neatly out into Northern v Southern Hemisphere.

I cannot abide the French, yet I positively crowed when they dumped New Zealand out of the tournament. When it comes to rugby, Europe must stick together. England's problem was quite simply, that they played a tight game against one of the most physically impressive races ever to walk the planet. The Afrikaaners in particular appear almost as an embodiment of the way a team should be, strong across all 15 players...unlike England.

From the sheer, joyous strength and savagery of Sheridan to the total professionalism and frightening skill of Wilkinson, England have some truly world class talent. However, they will run with players who would not get a look in to many other top international teams. The embarrassment of England running out tired old dogs like Catt (great in his day, but struggled in this tournament), and mediocre semi-speed merchants like Robinson and Sackey who lack game sense, and in Robinson's case...any top end pace. Until England strip out this kind of dead wood, they will struggle to regain the top spot...which (although is pains me to say it) they quite frankly deserve.

F.A.C.T.

Am I the only person who finds the anti-piracy warning at the beginning of DVDs somewhat akin to having my eyeballs sandpapered? Personally, I don't give a shit whether Jerry (How many cars can I roll in one film to the accompanying 'daaaamn' from some token prick like Will Smith?) Fuckheimer makes £100m or £200m this year.

If something is really good...I will buy it/pay for my cinema ticket etc. Its that simple.

If its a bit shit, but I have a hangover, then I will happily buy some knockoff Hollywood rubbish to kill a couple of hours.

What I really have an issue with is that blaring: BAA NA NANANANA etc and the ensuing implication that if you buy anything whatsoever from outside authorised channels then you and your whole family will die of gout...or something. It just completely fucks up my DVD experience, its actually an incentive to buy pirates as they don't have that crap.

There was actually an advert on TV recently claiming that pirate DVD sales help fund drugs and arms trafficking. Um, actually I think you will find that drugs and arms sales more than adequately fund trafficking.

Therefore F.A.C.T actually stands for 'fucking annoying cunty twats'. See how mature I am?

Oh sweet fucking Jesus.....

The lying, cheating imps of our Labour government have really come up trumps this time.

Hat tip to the Morningstar, his latest post on this has similar clarity and you can read it here.

What in unholy, godless, cat-sodomising cunthood were they thinking? The only group of arguably poorer judgement than the leftists....is the feminists.

Feminism is possibly the most ridiculous idea going, do I twat around telling everybody how proud I am to be male? Why would you ask feminists to deliver a verdict on pornography?
It's like asking fat fuckers to deliver a verdict on salad.

I'm not overly fussed on seeing women fucked by horses etc. But the whole premise of the proposed legislation such a terrifying erosion of personal liberty, I am flat out offended that the fucking pinkos think they can get away with it. The sad thing is that they probably will.

I am so angreeee....those arrogant, lying, envious, spiteful bunch of shitstained, herpies ridden cockswabs have fucked me off mightily.

To whoever thought this up: I hope your family home is raided by swarms of drunken inbred gogs who slowly dispose of your entire existent bloodline by ejaculating filthy, diseased semen into their skull cavities.

Now I need a drink.

The Great White Hunter S.

I am freqently enraged by the number of people who cite 'Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas' as a point of literary interest because "they take so much drugs and its sooo cool".

Yes, appreciation of literature is subjective and you are entitled to your own opinion. However, if your opinion corresponds with the above, you are, quite frankly, an imbecile.

Yes it is better than the film, but not because the film is poor (indeed it is fantastic). But rather because Thompson managed to construct something totally new, some breathtaking hybrid of epic proportions.

As cliched as it may sound, the 'wave speech' is pure opiate for the soul. Expression verging on poetry which can be seen to sum up the end of an era, this is the passage that was most often quoted by Thompson when asked to read from his book.

A big screen version of his lost novel 'The Rum Diary' is currently being made, with Johnny Depp returning for the role of Kemp/Thompson. While not as intense as 'Fear and Loathing', it is a beautifully painted account of an earlier period in Thompson's life, with the inevitable dash of 'pure gonzo' thrown in.

Read them, watch them, enjoy.

Birthday weekend

This weekend I have mostly been...

Eating

Drinking

Completely cunted

Believe it or not, the intended mezzanine redecoration went completely out the window.

Todays question

To all vegetarians out there:

If God didnt want us to eat beef, why did he make it taste like steak?

Can't answer that one can you? You cordueroy wearing, limp-handshaking hippies!

A very special day

Today I am 24! oh joy!

I normally take my birthday off work as holiday, however, due to workload I am in the office today.

And guess what: people have been just as miserable, negative and abusive as they are every other day of the year. People are bastard coated bastards with a bastard filling...QED.

My only consolation is that I am going to stuff myself with burritos and margaritas tonight!

Advice

Anybody who knows me is aware that I shave my own head on a regular basis.

Trust me...when using a cut-throat razor, quell the urge to trim anywhere else.

It came so close to being a national disaster.

Brother mine

http://a-shaky-start.blogspot.com

Crap spelling, grammar etc...but oddly amusing.

My younger, stranger brother.

The best of intentions

I promised myself that this weekend would be spent sorting out my flat/life. I promise myself this every weekend.

However, the reality is generally:


Friday -

Get home from work about 7pm (exhausted and pissed off with boss).

Eat something quick (and extremely unhealthy).

Nip out to the local for a 'quick pint'.


Saturday -

Realise at 10 am the following morning that I am not only still awake, but completely twatted and surrounded by strangers (also completely twatted).

Decide that I must sleep if I am going to be able to get anything done at all in the next few days, and finally doze off about midday Saturday.

Wake up about 6pm absolutely starving and feeling quite fragile, invariably get unexpected visitor (GF, mum etc.).

Relax and recover for the rest of the evening (get wankered) and crash out about 3am.


Sunday -

Emerge from bed about midday realising that I need a cooked breakfast more than oxygen, and head for my local.

Return to flat (generally via Blockbuster) to struggle for the rest of the day and try and humanise myself in time for an 8am start on Monday morning.

Can anybody tell me where my life is going wrong?

The enemy of my enemy is my friend

I really don't understand the David Cameron argument. I mean, lets simplify it down.

I agree he is not far enough to the right, and I agree that UKIP would probably be a better bet if they were anything more than a fringe party.

I agree that people who declare UKIP to be a racist party need mental help, and I agree that Cameron resembles an early Blair in many respects.

While an actual veer to the left is generally a bad idea, an apparent movement (a feint as it were) to gain popularity for the purposes of actually winning an election smacks of realism.

Who the fuck are you going to vote for? Anybody with a brain wants Brown and Labour out, and Cameron is the only horse with a shot at achieving this.

Is it worth sacrificing ones ideals to remove Brown (a socialist and therefore dangerous)?

Of course, the enemy of my enemy is my friend.

The Emperor's new wine

I am very, very fond of wine. As an accompaniment to food, or indeed just providing that first oh so wonderful hit of alcohol after a really long day. I can blind test to a considerable degree of accuracy and can match wine to food with some skill (experience to be honest), so I would like to believe that I am not a total cretin in these matters.

So if one more quantity surveyor in a cheap fucking suit goes on about how simply wonderful Cloudy Bay is I will use my cock to give him a brain examination.

Yes, I like it.

Yes, it is quite good.

But it is also a triumph of marketing over taste. Take a reasonable wine, restrict supply and raise prices in order to increase both demand and margins.

I will let you all into a little secret: wine is totally subjective.

It matters not what the magazines, critics, or maitre de in your local fucking bistro say...it simply matters what YOU like.

If you like Liebfraumilch then drink it. Don't try and pour me any mind you....

The worst day

I have had the worst day at work (indeed the worst week so far), as Dr Kelso says:

"People are bastard coated bastards with bastard filling"

And never before have I believed this so fervently.

No law, no law at all...

After three, full-length, impeccably made series it brings me genuine sadness that Deadwood is likely finished for good.

While Mr McShane shone like polaris as 'Al', it was the entirety of the cast that made this so utterly engrossing. The inclusion of Brian Cox in the third series was a masterstroke, an acknowledgement of the fact that it is invariably a British (or sometimes Australian) supporting cast that makes an American screenplay great. I only wish that they had found some way to fit in David Thewlis or Geoffrey Rush.

There are strong rumors of a conclusion coming as a set of 'made for TV' films, however HBO have not confirmed this as yet. We can but hope.

The intro alone, with the on the button imagery (I shy away from 'gritty') and compelling music ('Rome' anybody?) was always enough to hold my attention.

HBO felt in the end that the series was too expensive. However, as with everything in life...you get what you pay for.

Death Proof

Tarantino's latest effort is (let's not beat about the bush) by far and away the most tedious piece of gratuitous crap he has ever released.

I liked Pulp Fiction and Reservoir Dogs as far as they went, but lets be honest, pretty much everything since has been self indulgent, semi-cretinous monkey jizz. Held up against the likes of 'Sin City' or 'A Scanner Darkly' it hardly even classifies as different.

My brother (a film addict) got up and went to bed halfway through (at 9pm) announcing "This bollocks has sapped my will to live". A searing indictment from the man who actually sat through 'Ghost Rider' in its entirety.

I actually bought an imported version of this film prior to its UK release, I feel robbed.

My advice for your sofa night this week: rent 'Sunshine'. Despite the cover synopsis this film is far more 'Event Horizon' than 'Armageddon', but with a big dash of soul thrown in.

I was pleasantly surprised. I think you will be too.

Luton - God's own toilet

If you live in Luton....sorry. Not sorry - I apologise, rather sorry - I feel sorry for the fact that any Briton should have to live in such a festering shithole.

Today I had to visit Luton town centre, I sincerely hope that I shall never be required to do so again.

The whole place smells, frankly, like stale piss and shit. Nobody speaks English in any kind of reasonable form, even the natives.

Criminals and lunatics wander the streets, gibbering at passers by.

I went to Maplins for a couple of basic electrical bits. I left emptyhanded as nobody working there seemed to know:

a) anything about the products on sale

or

b) the meaning of the words 'cable' or 'plug'

After a hasty retreat to my Hertfordshire fastness I felt compelled to tell you all that; this pestilent pit was infested with the most foul of subhuman filth and should never be braved by anyone of a civilised nature.

Plus...I was damn lucky I'm a really big bastard, as a man in a decent suit attracts the wrong sort of attention in those parts I can tell you.